Anxiety Cured

This blog has served a purpose for me for some time now. It has been a kind of sounding board for me to express my thoughts and feelings and has been a journal of sorts. I have always included enigmatic clues for myself to refer back to later when I review it after some time has passed.

A few months ago something strange happened, my problems with anxiety disappeared and this caused me to abandon this blog completely. I’ve had nothing to work out in my mind as my cognitive distortions have been astonishingly easy for me to identify, this is also new to me.

Once I realized how long it’s been since I’ve neglected this blog some familiar sensations returned, fear that I am suddenly going to lose whatever makes me a somewhat talented writer. With that thought I did my standard work through i.e, distorted thought:”Without the irrational anxiety based on no evidence I will be a shitty writer so I better not even try until something stirs it up.” Followed by my cognitive correction: “Anxiety issues is not what’s been improving my writing, what’s been improving my writing is doing it frequently and responding to criticisms constructive or otherwise from myself and others.”

What brought on this lack of anxiety? Is a question I’ve asked for a few months…because honestly…it’s been freaking me out!

Well…

1. Working with Youth.

The youth that I work with are older adolescents that are rife with cognitive distortions of their own. It is part of my job to decipher and recognize what might be driving their distortions and aid them in recognizing those same distortions for what they are. As a person that has dealt with those same issues for a long time my skill at recognizing and gently allowing for them to realize that what they believe about themselves (Example: “I am a bad kid because I’m in care.”), is absolutely and unequivocally untrue.

If they bring up that thought (at the point that I have some of their trust) I invariably let them know that I don’t think that they are bad (because people are inherently good according to several control studies that I’ve read) and that I think that they simply have an inability to trust adults because many adults have given them no reason to trust us by the time they come into our program.

So…when I begin to beat myself up for my own mistakes I think to myself…”What would I say to me if I was a kid on shift with me right now?” And I tell myself those things mentally and my mistaken beliefs about myself slowly float away.

2. Focus on the positive.

Also related to my job is that the organization that I work for is strengths based which means that even though we may have the most aggressive and foul-mouthed kid on the planet, and we have tried to get them to express themselves with a bit more decorum, and one day they decide to say “fuck off” only 29 times instead of 30, we then consider it a small success and celebrate that success.

I have also applied this to my personal life as well. As a person with a lot of fire in my belly due to the state of a world that makes me angry I have learned to recognize my own strengths and focus on my strengths, rather than my shortcomings.

My personal example is with my dog Duke. I used to lose my shit…pun intended…when I would come home and found that he’d peed and/or pooped on my floor. When I moved to my new place last August he did this almost daily for about three months. Just after the third month I was really sick of this and I lost it each time for a few days in a row. During those few days the poor old one hundred pound boy was scolded, yelled at, and slapped on the bum on at least three to four occasions. I noticed that after a few days of this I came in he wouldn’t look at me and he started shaking because he knew I’d be angry. It was then that I realized he had a health issue and took him to the vet and tests confirmed that something was wrong. Naturally, I felt like the biggest asshole in the world…and I kind of was I suppose.

After that when I came home, I’d walk up to him and scratch him behind the ear until his shaking subsided, I would then put on his lead on and take him for a walk and he would pee a lot and usually poop as well. When we came back in I would clean his messes with a chlorinated cleanser without looking his direction or saying a single word. Usually when I was done with the clean up Duke would walk up and lick my hand once and try to snuggle up against me, and I let him do so until he got bored of it. After a couple of weeks of this he stopped shaking when I came in and he stopped messing in the house. My theory is that he was becoming so stressed about getting into trouble that he may have literally worried himself sick.

This occurrence made me feel extremely sad and guilty and I watched Cesar Milan on the Dog Whisperer who spoke about the way dogs interpret humans when they feel guilty. Dogs perceive our guilt as anxiety and it causes them to feel anxiety as well. So I decided to do something that I’ve always struggled with. I let go of the guilt for making what I considered to be a fairly substantial mistake. Since I made that choice he hasn’t messed in the house, not once, it’s been nearly three months since the last indoor mess. He has begun to follow my directions without question…I swear he would ask me “HOW HIGH?!” (if he could) when I ask him to jump. In all that time I have only raised my voice to him when he’s in another room and I want him to come and visit with me.

Point being…my strength in this case was recognizing my own poor judgement and adjusting my behaviour to improve the behaviour of my dog who is this man’s best friend. Another strength would be that this lesson taught me not only how to let go of guilt from the past but also that doing so truly reduces one’s anxiety. That is not to say that I will return to behaviours, or that I am apathetic towards the cause of the guilt, but it is to say that the lesson was learned and it’s time to move on and this process is easily applied to other matters.

3. Join Healthy Groups

On the surface it might not seem like it but for me a pool league that I joined has had an extremely positive influence on me. Currently I am a charter member of the VNEA pool league. As I managed to join the winning team from last years sanctioned tournament our team was selected to go and compete in the WCVNEA tournament at the River Cree Casino & Resort. Our team learned a lot and we plan to return next year to compete whether we win this years tournament or not. One of our players is returning to play after a fairly serious car accident that he was involved in years ago. He is going to be coaching us as he regains his muscle memory and he will help develop our own. This is good because we function well as a team and each of us is taking the game (but not ourselves too) seriously. It’s a fun and inexpensive way to spend a Tuesday night and the action of shooting a game has been getting movement into my shoulder that experiences chronic pain following a rotator cuff injury of my very own.

Another lesson I learned is that when I drink too much I average 4.25 points out of a possible 10 points. When I don’t drink I average 9.25 points out of a possible 10. It’s hard to argue with stats like that so I have begun to control my alcohol intake without any trouble. And that’s been nice as well.

4. Eat Healthy & at Regular Intervals

At first I began to eat healthier as a necessity due to budget constraints. I use my rice/vegetable steamer on an almost daily basis. I made a menu plan (which I’ve yet to buy the ingredients for) but in the mean time I have been eating frozen veggies, basmati rice, and some form of meat for dinner every day, for breakfasts I am eating yogurt with fresh fruit, dried fruit, and or nuts. I’ve been eating fish (fillets or tuna). For some reason I’ve lost my sweet tooth for colas etc…but still imbibe them on occasion.

5. Education About Money and Budgeting

I’ve been struggling financially for some time. Mainly because I’ve never been good with money because my family never taught me (though my Dad tried on occasion but I wasn’t interested at 18). Also, for whatever reason school never teaches our children about money. They mainly taught us to memorize equations that the majority of us will never use after talking about grocery shopping for one afternoon. This is likely the most important life skill that we are never taught. So I watch Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s Til Debt Do us Part religiously and picked up her book called Money Rules and I have been setting up my own financial plan using that same book as a guide line. My plan is not in action yet but there is large comfort in knowing that I will soon cease being what Gail calls a “Money Moron” and will become what I call “financially savvy.” I can see the tiniest pinhole of light at the end of a formerly bleak, and indecipherable tunnel. So I suppose I should thank her for giving me what that light represents…hope. Thanks for the hope Gail!

6. Attitude of Gratitude.

This is another one I blame my clients for. One of my clients thanks me profusely at the end of every shift that they attend. At first I was taken aback and was not sure if they actually were that grateful. At some point I decided that it didn’t matter so I started thanking them for being there, for being willing to learn, and letting me teach them life skills. I also started doing this with other clients who in turn started thanking me for my time, as I thanked them for theirs. I transferred this behaviour to co-workers  family, and friends. Suddenly, ALL of my relationships are going more smoothly and everyone I know seems happier to see and hear from each other.

7. Save the drama for your llama.

That’s where I’ll have to stop…for the sake of keeping my life drama free as it has purposefully become. If I do catch myself gossiping these days it’s in order to attempt to improve the life of whomever I am speaking. If you are someone who I believe will impact my life in negative ways then you have no purpose in my life and I will drop you without word or regret.

All in all, I have been slowly and methodically building up my pyramid as per Maslow’s hierarchy (mentioned in a previous blog post) and I have decided that what will fuel my writing will be that which makes me incredibly happy.

Now I don’t know if the above recipé will work for everyone (or if you need to be unreasonable with your pet to get your anxiety to go away) but it’s been working for me and I highly recommend it. I’ve been laughing more, smiling more, dressing better, standing up straighter, joking, and socializing like I used to and as a result my phone has been ringing more through texts or otherwise, why wouldn’t you want to live this way?

We all make mistakes…get over it man…find your purpose and live it.

It’s the only way to be sure.

Blocked?

It seems that a total lack of anxiety in my life has caused a bit of a writer’s block for me. Rest assured that I’m still here thinking outlandish and wild thoughts and know that my return is imminent.

Also,  my NEW tendency to resist my innate urge to story tell is helpful for my social services job. Practising silence and boundary setting has had a most positive effect on my professional and personal life.

I will be back soon…I have many stories to tell and the fire in my belly is white hot so stay tuned.

Tides of Change

In early 2001 I decided to move back to Winnipeg from Vancouver in order to help some friends of mine open a dojo and get it running to 110% of profitability. I also wanted to live near my oldest friend. My aunt, uncle, grandma, and older sister. I moved there without a job, job prospects, and figured that I would land on my feet. Because I always do. In most aspects of life I generally land on my feet. At that time I had just shut down my labour services company for corporate audio-visual events. In the month that I spent travelling to Winnipeg from Vancouver, by way of Ontario, I attracted some female attention that I wasn’t really seeking. Once I finally arrived in Winnipeg I received a call from Tim Jones the General Manager of the brand new Global Digital Specialty Networks Inc. It was the summer I turned 30 years old. I was in great shape mentally and physically and I felt that nothing could stop me. My dreams were coming true, I was on the way to achieving my black belt in my chosen martial art, beginning a career in media through Global Television. I never once questioned my decision to move here. I felt that I was a good man (that had made a few mistakes in life) but I was what Dr. Paul Jobranksy calls top heavy on super ego. I believed that everyone wanted to be my friend and I trusted everyone readily. I’d invite people into my home without knowing who they were. I always saw the best in people and though I’d been through some sad events in my life I was mostly unfamiliar with my own darkness.

At some point in the summer the couple that was running the dojo I came to help launch got into a domestic and any hope of that school succeeding ended that day.  (Not that it mattered because a couple of years later I had that cycling accident in which I had a severe concussion and rotator cuff injury which quite literally killed my hope of training anywhere.)

Then one morning in September I walked into work six minutes late. It was a bit of an embarrassing that I worked in a t.v. station but lived without a television but I recall Michael Gregson running up to me and saying “Corey! A second plane just hit the World Trade Center!”, my jaw dropped and I said “Second plane? There was a first plane? Is this a joke?” Then the day began to unfold. My boss was giving a tour and looked annoyed with me because I was standing there with my mouth agog and not really doing anything. “…and this is Corey and he’s…what are you doing?”

Pointing at the tiny television “I’m watching the World Trade Center collapse Tim.”, I said robotically.

“HOLY SHIT!”, replied Tim.

Tim, the tour, and I discussed how that could have possibly happened. One of the tour happened to be a structural engineer and I asked him a series of questions before I had to get on with my day. This event hurt our stations initially as the biggest news in Canada up to that moment was the advent of digital television. Then CNN and Headline news became the stations everyone was glued to. Even at our job Master Control, VTR Operators, and Station Managers were constantly tuned in.

Like everyone I began to hear the horror stories, and was emailed the devastation by people I knew indirectly from New York City. Those news stations repeatedly showed the disaster for months on end.  Pictures of the World Trade Center intact became taboo from movie and television screens. However, the murder of thousands of people was fair game for our eyes and ears as long as it was footage from the day.

Over time I began to feel a fury like I’ve never known and have not yet let go of. Not only did I want to go to war, I wanted to go to war fighting for the Americans. I looked into it online way back then through slow internet. But I went through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief I suppose. I was driving my step-dads F350 with a fifth wheel in the back one night when a song came on.  In that moment I was seething over a story I’d just heard on the radio. The song was originally by Burt Baccarach, it was used in a recent Austin Powers movie, the sound of it felled me to tears.
This song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvcfeyoBghY

Suddenly I was rife with the awareness of the things I had lost since leaving Vancouver several months before. Crushing waves of empathy sent me into hysterics and I just let it flow through me I even yelled a couple of times…and that was okay. When I was done giving into that stage of the grieving process. It became clear to me that I needed to love more and because I was naive I thought it could be with anyone.

I decided to contact the girl I’d met in my travels during the summer just past. I went to see her and after one very romantic night we shared followed by hours of telephone conversation she decided to move from Ontario to live with me just like that. What I didn’t know was that she came with a drinking problem. The first two years with her were just fantastic and the last two weren’t so fantastic. In fact if you look up Al-Anon’s 30 (something) steps of co-addiction it describes our relationship from the beginning right up to my total emotional collapse. Eventually we moved back to Ontario together then after awhile I decided to move back to Winnipeg without her. Partly, I have to admit, to spite her. Abandoning someone was about the worst thing that I could think to do someone at the time. It seemed so…necessary…and I have spent all of my time since making that decision regretting it. In spite of all the shit we went through I truly did love that woman. And since then I’ve found myself trying to replace her. She, to her tremendous credit, is a very hard act to follow.

Sometimes I believe that I’m projecting an illusion of her being better than she was. Except of course in bed. There were no illusions there. If she was a demon in the sack then I’m the devil. This is likely the only reason we lasted so long. We honestly couldn’t be in the same room together or knock-down drag out monkey sex would inevitably happen. That is something to miss one supposes.

I’ve made some fairly substantial mistakes as a mostly single man in the past 7-8 years. Watching shows like Californication and Rescue Me have helped me to realize that I’ve been a “man boy” for a long while. Art reflecting life has begun to make me laugh at myself “Hank you have your head to far up your ass to know what’s going on.”, “Tommy you still have your head up your ass”, says Tommy Gavin’s wife on the show. Not so long ago I looked to these characters to teach me a good come back or defense from such accusations. However, in these later episodes these characters accepted what was said thoughtfully and didn’t get defensive. I found this interesting.

Obviously I was emotionally affected by that terrorist attack. It most certainly did not scare me. It just made me angry, then I watched the first episode of Rescue Me when the main character Tommy is in his first stage as well. I tried to follow this show whenever it came out. It always changed times. Moved, was delayed, or I couldn’t find it. Finally I got my hands on season 7. And what’s funny is that Tommy Gavin and I went through a similarly timed process. It’s been over ten years and I’m still affected. But I’ve come to a place of acceptance and my oceans of raging hell-fire have calmed down in my belly. And I feel the need to consume and breathe fire less and less. I’m just starting to calm down. So when Tommy Gavin made his final speech telling the new recruits that one day they might have to ask themselves:

“Why did I make it out when my brother, cousin, buddy, or best friend didn’t ?” and continues, ”I’ll tell you one thing. The answer to that question is not at the bottom of a bottle. You can’t drink, or fight, or screw your way to figuring out the answer to that question. People die. We’re fire-fighters. We die … a lot. I lost my buddy, my best friend, my cousin, my brother. Some people say it’s God’s will. I don’t know. I don’t even know if there is a God. I hope there is. Cause that would mean one of these days all of this shit is going to make some sense. That’s all I’ve got for you assholes. I’m going to turn you over to one of my brothers right now. My new commanding officer Lieutenant Franco Rivera.”

I more than understood what the hell he was talking about. I didn’t lose anyone in a fire mind you. But I did lose my step-mother Jennifer to cancer,  my 11 year old step-cousin to leukemia, my Aunt Bonnie to cancer, My Uncle to Cancer, then Mom moved Grandma to Ontario and my one sister that lives in Winnipeg chose to ostracize herself from our family, and my oldest friend tends to opt to side with and spend time with potential friends rather than his oldest friend. Which makes me pretty much alone in this city.

So the day after I heard Tommy Gavin’s final speech I was out with one of the loveliest girls I’ve ever known and she said “Yes Corey, but do you even know that you still have your head up your ass?” I replied, “That’s true but I’m a hell of lot fucking closer than I used to be.”, smiling that winning smile that I am sometimes blessed with. With that she nodded, smiled back, and when our night ended she gave me the sweetest, most gentle kiss, it was a beautiful thing. It truly was what was needed. And not just for her and me. But for everyone.

External Damnation

In the past several months there were decisions made that have slowly been changing my life for the better.

For the very first time since birth I am completely independent. Not that I was ever a person born with precious metal spoons in his mouth but I could always count on Mom (at least) for support and back up if my life ever went to shit. My life has shown need for improvement here and there and the moments where I appeared to be functioning at the best of my ability had much to do with a dependence on other people whether it be for houses, cars, computers, or basic necessities of life. One of my manager’s at work described in an annual review that they felt that “Corey had a late start in life and seems to be getting things on track.” My initial reaction to this was to get defensive, emotional, and disagree completely. However, on of the decisions I made that’s been changing my life is to respond to criticsisms with careful consideration and not from a place bases solely on my emotions. My emotions have steered me wrong on countless occasions so I simply don’t trust them anymore. What’s been interesting about this is that it’s working…as close to perfectly as one can get. This is not to say that I repress my emotions completely. Mostly, I just try to figure out why my mind, body, and spirit are directing energies in that particular direction. In my communication with colleagues, clients, and friends I have thrown my hands up in the air and said “Hang on, I’m stressed and I don’t know why. Just give me a minute to calm down.” Then whatever that situation is resolved, usually within a matter of minutes. This is an ability I’ve known I possessed for a long time. Knowing the exact right thing to say at the exact right moment is something I’ve had the wisdom to employ when people need that the most. Conversely, I can do the polar opposite of that, but do strive not to as it can be unnecessarily cruel. Obviously, cruelty is something that is best to avoid, but I’m flawed and if you are reading this you probably are too just because you are human.

Something about the decisions I’ve been making in recent past have made me realize how important the concept of developing high character has become for me. In years gone by when surrounded by people and situations that I knew were no good for me I didn’t do much to change it. Why? Apathy I suppose. Wrestling with the demons that claw at me from within may have been an interesting way to pass the time. Perhaps these contests were a necessary evil and were useful to me in the sense that I now know the worst parts of myself and that those parts need never see the light of day, or night for that matter. Unless there is a zombie apocalypse. Then I’ll let those demons run wild and kick some zombie ass! My concentration broke for a second there…and now I want to look behind me in case there’s a zombie dog sneaking up on me…but that’s the teenager in me trying to distract the adult from making my point.

Things are changing in my life. I have cut every negative influence I can think of out of my life permanently. Watching, teaching, and spending time with At Risk Youth has taught me to be a better person. The ones that follow the rules of the system definitely tend to meet with remarkable success by the time they leave us. Which is the ideal situation of course, and this pattern has shown me that you can have fun, lots of it, laugh, cry, be serious, and do almost everything that your heart desires if you can learn to meet societal and organizational expectations at work and other places where these things apply. This is not to say that you can’t be yourself but it is to say that when you do, and you act with integrity, your life will feel a little more like it’s worth living.

Speaking of living. Duke is sick…he is 10.5 years old and has been acting weird, so I managed to get him to the vet and he has a possible pituitary gland tumor which means he may have Cushing’s or he me have Addington’s. Which are worlds apart. It is my hope that he has neither. If he has the former that will cost me about 500 bucks to treat and if he has the latter I am going to have a difficult decision to make. Which is one decision I’m not interested in.

 

Just the tip I promise…

It doesn’t seem likely does it? That I’ll stick to that promise?

Men are sometimes like that, they promise a little, then deliver more.

This may be social conditioning or it might be our biological nature.

But I have to say that I learned something VERY important within the last couple of weeks from my manager at work. It was during a private meeting about something negative that had occurred. Admittedly, it was a situation that I could have handled better. In direct supervisions with management I do my best to be truthful because it would be impossible for my management team to give me proper leadership if I were deceptive. So I simply admitted that I had taken some things that a client had said personally which led me to use a tone of voice I have never used on a client. I let my emotions get direct control of my throat. While my words themselves weren’t bad, the way they were said directly reflected my emotions. Since part of my job is modelling behaviours for clients (such as appropriately handling anger) in that instant my modelling was not great. And of course, being who I am, I beat myself up for it for a day and I wanted to avoid going into work because I felt a little ashamed of myself. But that would not be right. So I  arrived early and I debriefed about the situation and received a serious talking to.

My boss actually taught me two important lessons. The first being that (on occasion) there is nothing wrong with silence. The second was that if you are feeling anger (to the point that you are just about to lose your temper) that it’s okay to say to the client “I’m feeling pissed off right now and I need to go take a break.” Which is better, and kinder, than speaking when you are angry and unconsciously letting unkind words slip out as a result.

The lesson was very effective.

I wound up in the exact same conversation with the same client on the very next shift. They directed the conversation exactly as they had before and when faced with the exact same phrasing I stated what I felt was true and not true and then went dead silent. But not that kind of silent where you have steam coming out of your ears, that kind of relaxed silence people display when they are relaxed and comfortable. After about ten minutes they jumped up and offered me something to drink.

Human services workers do get all kinds of training. I have taken non-violent crisis intervention several times. Sometimes training is not enough. Direct experience is the best teacher.

However, one thing has stayed in my mind from the last training session that I took.

The teacher wrote:
Q. T. I. P. on a flip-chart

Which means….

Quit
Taking
It
Personally

Also, my friend from an old work place that’s on my facebook posted this link:

http://www.wikihow.com/Gain-Control-of-Your-Emotions

Have a look, it is designed to help adult working professionals, but those cognitive distortions affect everyone. So I thought I would share it.

And to answer your question “Who does he think he is?”, someone that was put here on Earth to help people that’s who. And that’s Mister Who to you thank you.

Sheople

The opposite of love isn’t hate
It is indifference

What is this rage then?
It fills vast halls and urges fists to action
Yet they remain at the sides

“It won’t do any good…”
“Yes it will, you’ll feel better”,
is the lie He whispers
Acid rises, blood boils
It feels familiar
Welcome.

The words of the master return
“When your temper goes forth..keep
your arms at rest.”
The Warrior spirit remains true to form
Its appetite is endless
This…glutton
Can not be sated

The choice is clear
Don’t feed the demon
Don’t hear it’s lies
The meaningless,
mean less…

do not enjoy their obvious suffering
and realize what the rage truly is

Sadness

That needs letting go
Do what must be done
Let go

Always.

The Enmity of Attraction

There has been lots of talk around offices about a pulp fiction novel. Discussions regarding it, changes in the relationship statuses of a few very attractive people that I know got me thinking about attraction. It also got me wondering about my recent avoidance behaviour regarding my pursuit of those who I am attracted to.

The last woman I dated was very important to me. When we started dating I told her that if we didn’t work out that I would be done dating for good. You see I was truly in love with her and if it couldn’t work with her…well…who could it work with? PRESSURE?! Yes…and way too much of it. She had a little trouble believing that I loved her that exclusively as I had dated quite a few women in the 4 years that she was my friend before we started dating.

Due to some pretty serious betrayals from my past I had supreme difficulty trusting anyone. And due to my nature and the development of my personality I can be hyper-vigilant, so when someone lies, omits information, or their behaviour changes in any way, I can spot it as easily as I can make my heart beat. It’s an automatic response. In those days I took all of this perception as factual believing that my cognition was the only truth. To make a long story short what I learned was that I was….GASP…..wrong! Really wrong. Well I wasn’t “wrong”, I have always been right when I’ve decided to look. But if your relationship is at the point where you don’t trust your partner enough and you feel the need to start looking…well son…your relationship is already over. Don’t look…just end it.

To be honest I did go on a few dates since the day we broke up. Wait no…not a few…three. One girl that I met online showed up in sweat pants, sans make up, without her hair brushed, late because she’d been playing an online game, and she brought a dog that had to shit every three minutes and the owner didn’t know why. “Seriously?? You don’t know what your dog ate? What the hell is wrong with you?” was the unspoken thought. And then I  went on a date with a pretty girl from the same town. We got along well enough. And we stay in touch on facebook but that never went anywhere. And within the past month I went on a date with a very awesome girl that I met at a games night at a mutual friends. We went for sushi and it was great conversation all around. She has since moved to Saskatchewan.

How did I go from being extremely active in dating to 1 date per year?

Allow me to explain.

Attraction has never happened visually for me. Which is unlike most people that I’ve ever met. But its true. If someone ask me if I think someone is pretty I generally say “Wait…I’ll have to talk to them first and I’ll let you know.” I must feel a person’s energy and look them in the eye before I can decide. But once that attraction hits, it’s like ligthning for me, I feel more alive in those moments than can be described.

This explains why the only celebrity that I’ve EVER been attracted to was the woman who played “Linda McCartney” in the movie “The Linda McCartney Story.” From what I understand she played a major role in the series “Lost” which I never got into. But Google says so it must be true.

I was an extra on set in Vancouver about twelve years ago. The scene being shot was in a Manchester club set where Linda and Paul met. I happened to be in the eye line that she needed at that definitive moment when she looked Paul McCartney in the eyes for the first time.

When that scene was shot and she made that fetching expression it was my eyes that she was looking into and I looked right back into hers unblinking. And I couldn’t help but return that expression. She talked to me on set and I didn’t say anything back because I didn’t know if I was allowed to talk to her (and I was engaged to be married at the time) She also talked to me another time while shooting at UBC which was supposed to be Leeds University where the band Wings played their first show with Linda McCartney on keyboards. Again, I acted very shy (which I am) and moved away quickly.

I walked by a few patios in Kitsilano (near where I lived) after that  and saw her out socializing. Finally we smiled and waved at each other. Her intent remains completely unknown to me. Could be that she was just one of the friendliest actors in Hollywood North. But one thing is certain and that was I possessed a very real attraction to her. She is aesthetically pleasing to be sure, but she was also down to earth and generated this positive vibration which I longed to be near. But I pushed it away for reasons mentioned above and likely she would not remember these near misses.

Which is different from now…these days I push it away for a completely different reason…

When I get to that point of attraction and I feel that powerful draw to be near a woman all I can imagine is the devastating and catastrophic end of the relationship. The book “If the Buddha Dated” taught me two things about relationships. One was to never be attached to the outcome and the second was that all relationships will end either by splitting up or by death. Which are both aspects of life I’d rather not face…again…any time soon.

That’s where my mind is these days when it comes to attraction. I’m terrified of anyone I feel intense attraction to…that attraction gives that person power over my potential future…and that scares the hell out of me. This makes attraction my enemy.

Obviously, if you’ve read my blogs to any extent you realize that I have some background in human services. This foreknowledge must make you aware that I am fully aware that this state I’m in is very unhealthy. To achieve true self-actualization you NEED companionship which I’ve lacked for years. I’ve got food, shelter, a decent job, purpose, a nice dog,extended family I keep in touch with, education, but no outlet for my mortal needs which (other than the obvious) include snuggling up and watching a movie etc…having typed this all out I think I might have just discovered the cause of my insomnia for the past few weeks.

Putting myself into a state of enmity by making attraction my enemy has caused me to pay too high a price.

Loneliness.

Someone awesome and single is just on the horizon. If she wants me she will pursue me and if not I’ll be just fine. Now that I know what the struggle is I can take steps to change it for the better.

The Choice of Freedom

Have you ever felt a breeze so cool and needed that you felt like the midnight air was seducing you?

I have.

The air has been so hot in this city from a heat wave like I haven’t felt in a long time. Tempers have been flaring, light sleepers prone to insomnia (like myself) lay awake unable to get comfortable, headaches return, muscle tension does not heal because there is no rest. A stiff drink would seem to assist in getting forty winks but that has proven to be the biggest lie of all. And it’s not like I need any help getting weirder so I’ve begun to avoid it.

However, there has been some progress made in my personal development and I wanted to record it tonight.

I’ve been speaking about my phobia of bicyling in recent weeks. How I’ve ridden a bicycle for commuting in spite of that phobia. How I engaged in therapeutic “flooding” of the task.  My phobia has now been reduced to a healthy fear and I find the act of bicyling puts me into a meditative state, an action meditation, because whilst in the middle of it I focus completely on what I’m doing. So there is that.

I’ve also been speaking about the care I’ve been taking of my dog Duke, how he’s….how WE have come such a long way from when I got him…he was a selfish, hyper, and violent animal when I got him, and he is now considerate, slightly less hyper, and as gentle as a dog can get.

Then of course there is the anxiety disorder I was once diagnosed with.

And my relationships with former lovers and my former immaturities regarding the same.

SO now that we’ve established that…

My friend (a former lover) invited me over to hang out in an air conditioned house that had a pool in the backyard with some of her friends including her boyfriend. In past I was TOO anxious to meet her new boyfriends because I didn’t think I could handle it and I was afraid I would embarass my ex by saying something stupid to the new fellow. But since I am supremely close to self-actualization no anxious thoughts regarding that situation passed through my mind. It seemed to be irrelevant. Because I didn’t feel like leaving Duke behind to suffer alone in the heat I asked if I could bring him and it turned out I was allowed to. So I got the leash ready, put on my bicylce helmet, and embarked on a 4 minute bicylce journey with Duke at my side. Bearing in mind that (as far as I know) Duke has never done this before and neither had I! I slowly exited the yard and when Duke tried to cut in front of me I gently bumped his rump with the rubber of the front tire and he looked back looking happy and jumped to the side and started running with his tongue hanging way out of his mouth. We communicated well I had to touch him on the side with the top of my foot a couple of times to space us apart but other than that our syncronicity was like swiss clockwork. We got to the hosts place and there was a rescue dog there that was the same age Duke was when I rescued him. And that dog had the same issues Duke had when I had him. They got along perfectly well. They both patrolled the yard on opposing sides the whole time I was there. Except Duke never rested, like his foster Dad, he just can’t relax because he’s afraid of missing something. We hung out with a nice group of people, swam in a pool, and we bicycled home.

While at that gathering my friend mentioned that she was impressed with the progress of Duke and I she said “Look at you Corey! Not only are you riding a bike, you’re riding a bike with Duke and you’re doing it well!” But she caught herself but only because she knows that any sort of praise used to go to my head and would lead to lots of insecure bragging. So I replied “I know right! He’s such a good dog! This is the first time we tried this!” and “Yah, I’m getting over all kinds of shit and it feels nice!”

So this morning didn’t start out so well but I don’t want to point fingers or lay blame. Let’s just say that the heat made me over-react a little to something that happened at home. And it directly affected my care plan for Duke for the day which involved trying to keep him cool on one of the hottest days of the year. My plans got foiled and on the way home I bought a bag of ice instead and mixed the ice into his water and stirred it until it reached zero degrees (like junior high science class) and he drank greedily from it.

So time passed, I watched new school BSG (which is getting old actually), and it got to be around 1a.m., so I decided to take Duke for a walk to 7-11 with no plan. But the night air was fluid and I wound up in the store buying nachos and some vitamin water. I got the free cheese and chili from that horribly wonderful machine. Went out and untied Duke and walked to a bus stop bench. Duke stood there staring at me but didn’t lunge at my nachos. Which is what he would have done even up to a year ago. Instead his tail wagged gently and he looked at my face. It was weird because he wasn’t whining, or drooling, just looking up at me looking proud and confident. A couple of  cars that went past said something to me. I dipped nachos in the cheese and gave Duke a couple which he accepted. This went on for about five minutes. Some teenagers walked near us which was the only thing that alerted him and his mouth closed and he looked them with the doberman half of his eyes. Which is a nice dog to have at your side. Not that the teenagers were doing anything, its just nice to have that intensity. I said “It’s okay Duke they’re harmless.” And his goofy hound eyes looked up at me again. I let him finish the crumbs and we walked back and a cool breeze blew through my t-shirt and on parts of my bare legs where my shorts didn’t cover and I said “Oh thank you God for this much needed breeze!” Which is funny because I’m not religious. But I have been watching BSG and there is lots of talk of God, Gods, and the Lords of Kobol. I looked up to try and spot some stars and remembered that I had misplaced my spectacles. The breeze struck me again and I wanted to take it home with me and keep that exact temperature in my bedroom. That’s when I thought…

“Have you ever felt a breeze so good that you felt like it was seducing you?”

 

Sleeping Dragons

Recently I volunteered my time to enter into a Dragon Boat race to raise money for the Canadian Cancer society. The heats took place on Friday evening and all day Saturday. We did so unexpectedly well on Friday night (a team made up of mostly amateurs that had never done it before) that we were asked to stay in case we had to race again. It was a surprise for us all. We did not win next years entry fee but we felt pretty good about ourselves as we were first in our heat which was good for morale to be sure.

The next day I missed the morning heat which I heard we lost, the second race we were really off rhythm, people couldn’t hear the drum due to all the paddles hitting each other and we did not finish so well. The third race however was a total different story. The 22 of us on board were a bit irritated at losing the first two competitions of the day. The manager of the program I work for was rowing near the stern of the boat. He yelled encouragement and yelled the count, which led everyone else to dig into the water harder. And suddenly we were in nearly perfect unison. We were pushing so hard that the bow was above the water for most of the way and we smoked the two boats in our heat, the 2nd by over a boat length, and the  third by over two and half boat lengths. (That’s just what I heard I haven’t seen pictures.)

It turned out that our average time matched exactly the average time of the first place finishers. There was a delay in receiving this information due to a calculating error by the events operators. Today we received an email that stated that we tied for first place and that we will be receiving gold medals.

I haven’t received a medal since 2001 when I used to compete in martial arts competitions for fun and sport. What’s funny about that is that with my school (Purple Dragon) I used to win Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals on a fairly regular basis. Also, if you want me to compete for you there had better be a mention of a dragon or I probably won’t be interested.

I’ve also been doing the “Walk for Wellness” challenge through work and through that I have done 509,762 steps in the past 4 weeks, this includes bicycling, walking, and helping someone move twice within the past week. And our team has one more week to go. I don’t think we get medals for that one, but we probably should…my inner child just screamed “IF THERE WAS A DRAGON THERE WOULD BE!” into my subconscious ear.

Given that I made a comprehensive list of new years resolutions, which were basically guidelines for me to become awesome, I am finding it heartening that I am meeting the resolutions as I wanted to. As I grow into better shape my old rotator cuff injury has lessened immensely. This means that my pain has greatly reduced and I am able to participate in all kinds of activities.

More recently I worked with some of my clients on a camping trip. This meant that I was able to escape the city for a night. The catch was that as we were working even during the off time there was zero tolerance for booze. Even though some of my client’s are young adults sneaking of booze is a no-no and would result in them getting sent back to the city immediately. It was great to swim in a lake in a Provincial park, make smores for the first time in my life, play games with the client’s, stay up late, cook breakfast, and go on a paddle boat, all without spending a single dime of my money. And I have to admit though I did notice the absence of alcohol. It was kind of cool to have a night like that away from the city with a group of people that were completely booze free. Honestly, it was one of the best times I’ve ever had at a cabin. The client’s had a good time as well and I got to drive a fancy new van for a couple of hours each way so that was nice. It felt good to come back to the city and report how awesome everything was.

Canada day was good too. My friends/room-mates had an impromptu little birthday party that Duke and I attended for a bit in the backyard. I went and met two of my friends (a couple) and hung out with them all night until I felt a little weird at 4:00a..m. and went out to get some air and then bicycled home once I got out there.

Life goes well for me. I have direction, purpose, and responsibility. I recognize and appreciate this. I am fulfilled.

The few close friends that I have nearby, the few close friends that I have far away definitely do positively influence my life.

Now that I am nearing the state of being complete on my own I am approaching the stage of my life where I need to find another dragon that’s waiting in the wings to share it with me.

This may require some assembly.

Hindsight

One time a girl I was interested in said “I fucking hate Led Zeppelin the guy just screams.”, that was the last ride she ever got in my car.

Another time a girl I was dating said “Johnny Cash sucks.”, then gave me shit the following day for going to see a Blind Melon show for two hours instead of listening her complain about losing her government hand outs. We broke up over the phone.

That was 4 years ago. Shortly after they befriended each other and have spent the past four years gossiping about me to whomever will listen around Winnipeg and more recently on the internet.

Which leads me to query:

I wonder what it’s like to be born without a soul?